...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
