You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Terrible idea I love it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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