Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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