I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
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when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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