my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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