I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
