I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
