I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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