I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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