I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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