i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
