just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
