Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
