I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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