fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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