You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
