LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
