The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
