first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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