I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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