My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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