I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
