My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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