one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
