Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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