You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
