Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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