My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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