It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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