At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
