I forgot how hot balto sounded
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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