My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
