Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Buhtt sex?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You are a genius and a whore.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
