There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I AM VODKA MAN
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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