Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
