I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
