Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
