May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
