well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
