just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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