found the other keg... it's in the tree
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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