I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
