so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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