I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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