I just pynch a tree in the face
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
