Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
