I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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