Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
