I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
