I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
