Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
