guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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