I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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