Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
