I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
