I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
