the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
